The Best Christmas Jokes And One-Liners

What better way to spread joy this holiday season than with a few jokes.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson

What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps

Who is Santa’s favorite singer? Elf-is Plesley

What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers

What do snowmen eat for dessert? Ice crispies

Why do snowmen turn yellow? Ask the little boy over there

What do yo call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman

Why did the snowman what a divorce? His wife was a total flake.

Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer? Spruce Springsteen

What is every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap

What do grapes sing at Christmas? Tis the season to be jelly

What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less

What do you call an elf who just won the lottery? Welfy

Where would you find a snowman dancing? At a snowball

What’s Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who

Little girl

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, than gasped, “Didn’t you get my e-mail?”

Adult only jokes

  1. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
  2. Hey Christmas tree! You’ve got a lot of balls coming here.
  3. Have yourself a bloody Mary Christmas.
  4. Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  5. Why did Santa shop at the liquor store? He was in need of some holiday spirit.
  6. Let’s get blitzed.
  7. What did Santa sing as he went down the chimney? “Chestnuts roasting over an open fire.”
  8. What’s it called when Mrs. Claus’ leggings are too tight? A mistletoe.
  9. What’s the difference between snowmen and women? Snowballs.

The ugly 12 days of Christmas

The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:

(a few guys) Singing Christmas Carols,

11 Stale TV specials

10 Batteries not included

9 NO parking

8 Waaaaaah!!!!! Waaaaaah!!!!!

7 Charities

6. Gotta make’em dinner

5 months of bills

4 I’m not sending than this year, that’s it!

3 Shut up, You!

2 Fine, If you’re so smart, you rig up the lights

1 and finding a Christmas Tree

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